this goes down as one of the worst days in my life...

my posts are going to be all over the place... i am just sitting here remembering that very dark day when i got the worst phone call of my life. we had just gone through our fourth IVF cycle and with ICSI and assisted hatching we managed to fertilize two of the four eggs that were retrieved. it was not a perfect cycle by any means but it was the best one we had had so far. so i was taking a bath the morning of the transfer, trying to relax and meditate in preparation for receiving my future babies, when the phone rang. it was 6 a.m. no one calls here that early unless there is an emergency. i was frozen with fear. i made my husband get it. it was the doctor at boston ivf calling to tell us not to make the drive to boston because our embryos has arrested. arrested. i will never forget how the use of that word made me feel and still does to this day. they were dead. my babies stopped growing. i was devastated. i let out a blood curdling scream in the tub, my husband by my side. and i stayed just that way for hours, sobbing. i still get very emotional thinking about it right now. it was such a painful time for me. that was the fourth cycle in a row where i had somehow in someway, lost my babies. either though miscarriage, chemical pregnancies or arrested embryos, i have lost so many babies...